OVER IT!

I haven't been on here in awhile.  I was busy getting over all that pain.  The pain over someone who never existed.  I see it now.  Now that I am out of it, it all makes sense.  How he disappeared when that movie "Catfish" came out....about a guy who meets a woman and becomes friends with her and her daughters and friends and in the end it turns out all these people didn't exist.  It was the one woman.  She made up email addresses and created all these people and she was pretending that she was every one of them.  Now it all makes sense.  He and I had a "fight", a huge blow out last year over a guy who suddenly appeared in my life, and they ended up being friends?  Well, suddenly, he died.  Well that guy had a wife and a best friend.  Their blogs have been deleted.  There is no trace of any of these people after HE said goodbye to me.  Nothing.  And all the people that HE said he lost this year...none of them had an obituary either.  I have checked, I needed proof, and none existed.  The cell phone number I have for him was registered to a name that has nothing to do with him or anyone in his family.  I checked that out a long time ago, I should have been convinced then.  He says he is "legally insane" and he is bipolar....he says he is the sick one, but I am the one who fell for him and let him do this to me.  Let me fall so in love with this man that I pretty much made up in my head, along with his help.  He called me a liar.  Me?  I can bet my life that his "wife" that left him wasn't real.  His "daughter" that he loved so much but gave up, wasn't real.  His drug dealer and his sister that happened to die recently.  Maybe his parents and sister were real, but Idk how his dad died so suddenly.  There was SOMEONE on the other side of this computer, I just don't know who and how someone had 24 hours a day to email me.  From the time I woke up, until the time I shut my eyes, we would email.  I still just don't fully understand.  I wish he would just tell me the truth so that I could have complete closure.  I know I will never get it, he (or she or whoever) will never admit it.  Never.  He took 18 months of my life.  I am glad that i'm over it, but it took me a long time to get here.  And I just want the truth that I will never get.

I have chosen to block the pain.  Push it away, forget him.  Hopefully forever.  I don't want to think about him anyway.  If I do, it will be thoughts of anger.

I hurt.
How long does it take to get over heartbreak?
Should I be going through this at 32 years old?
I feel like a grown up idiot.

Broken

Who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises

denouement

My words have escaped me.  More when my heart resumes beating.

Now I know..

Him.  It will be about him.

Pondering...

I have written at least 4 blogs and deleted before posting.  I am not sure which direction I want to take this in. 

Blog #1

I need a diary. 
This will be it.